Monsters and Men
by In caverns dark
Summary: A man finds himself in the land of Thedas during the Dragon Age. An outsider in more ways than one. How will he manage to make a new life, when his life has been taken from him? An attempt at a semi-serious Self-Insert/SI.


_Hello Mr... er_

_Well that's unusual. We don't seem to have your name on file._

…

_Regardless, _

_soon enough you will be given your assignment and shall be... sent to Thedas. _

_Now you have to understand that-_

_**-BZZZZZT-**_

_is very different to-_

_**-bzzt-**_

_and..._

**The right man _-shhhst-_**

_you will have to-_

**In the wrong place **_**-shh-**_

_to the-_

understand that you should not be here, but life has a way of doing these things to us...

also, understand that you will have nothing to aid you after your arrival. As long as you

_understand-_

_**-BZZT-**_

But... regardless. There is a simple solution to his problem. Now, listen to what I'm about to tell you because this is what you need to-

_now, can you tell me about your occupation?_

_..._

-know if you want to get back home, and get back FAST-

_..._

_Sir? Your occupation?_

All you have to do is-

_**-bzzt-**_

_..._

_Sir?_

…

…

_You _can_ speak, can't you?_

_..._

"Me?"

_Yes Sir, as we do not have you in our records we shalll have to put them down, so what is your occupation?_

"I'm a... I don't have a..."

"Wait! No, yeah, I'm a student, yeah."

_A student? Well... first time for everything. Now, what star sign were you born under?_

"Leo?"

_Hmmm... very well. I'll admit, usually people choose... different signs. The Tower, the Lady. But if that's what you want, that is what you shall have._

_Your species?_

"Human?"

_hmm_

_Nationality?_

"_Eng- No, I mean British, or at least that's what my Passport says."_

**Can make all the difffference...**

"Wait, wait... I remember, did you say... Thedas?"

_yes_

"Like Dragon Age?"

_Thedas is currently in the Dragon Age, if you follow the calendar of the Chantry._

"Could I... redo my choices?"

_No_

"oh..."

"But if that's the case then why did you make those Elder Scrolls references?"

_Regardless, the transference will take place in a few seconds,_

"What?"

_so_

_wake up..._

_wake up-_

… _**and smell the **_**Ashes.**

Bugger...

* * *

Bloody hell this place, pleh! What is this?

"Ash?"

_Pleh_

"ASH..._smell the ashes!?_"

"Fucking funny!"

ugh... crazy cosmic secretary, what the hell, why is everything covered in ash...

wait... there's nothing here...

just. Bugger. I thought this was supposed to be Thedas. Doesn't look like it.

Then again, she never said it would be Ferelden, or even in Kirkwall. Considering the fantasy nature of this place, it stands to reason that there is _some_ place with a volcano... Dragons peak?

At least there's sky above me, so I'm not in the bloody Deep Roads.

Heh... Sky above

What was it that guy said... Sky above, Voice Within.

Wonder why she quoted Skyrim?

…

and the G Man...

Still, sky looks, bit odd and

_HOLY SHIT!_

Is that a flying city, the hell! I don't remember a flying black city in Ferelden!

Looks bloody ominous.

No way I'm going...

...wait

I know that city. That's the city that you see whenever you're in-

"_hmmmmm"_

shit

"_What do we have here?"_

I'm in the Fade... and if I dare turn around.

I think I'd find...

"_A visitor?"_

A Demon.

* * *

"AAAAAAA!"

The first thing I did when I saw that Demon was one of the most sensible things I've ever done in my life...

"_Get back here!"_

_-Shwum-_

Okay, maybe not the first thing, more the second. The first thing I did was stare at her tits, considering that she's a desire demon and all. The second thing I did was the most sensible thing I've ever done.

"AAAAAAAAA! GET AWAY!"

I ran away screaming.

"_No!"_

_-Swish-_

But she was fast, and she could float. Which was fucking bulllshit in my opinion.

"Leave me alone!"

But that didn't stop her from cutting me off at every turn, like a sheepdog herding a flock.

"_Why would I do that baby? "_

but...

"Piss off!"

"_What's a girl like you doin' in a place like this?"_ The fact that she seemed to have gotten the wrong gender's idea of seduction freaked more out more than her massive tits. _"Don't you want to polishat my sword?"_

"AAAAHHHH!"

no, don't bloody _laugh_, she was gonna eat my soul! I'm well within my bloody rights to be running, screaming like a headless freakin' chicken!

"_Ugh, this isn't working"_

"AAAHHHH!"

"_Enough!"_

_SSSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEAEAAAAAAAAA!_

Fuck fuck fuck!

My ears, my bloody bleedin' ears!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity _fuck_!

"AAA- Bleedin' Bastard!"

She grabbed my chin in her talons and bought my face to hers.

"_I'm a Desire Demon Mortal."_ she spat the words into my face._ "The correct term is Bitch!"_

-SMACK!-

Hurt like hell too.

Course' dying was gonna hurt more. Heck, I'm so scared that if I wasn't, I'd be crying.

Heck, if this wasn't the Fade I'd be pissing myself.

Can you have a piss in the Fade?

Shit.

My body's out there somewhere...

…probably pissing itself.

Fuck.

And you know what's worse? I swear that this is the Demon of BDSM or something... _Bitch_.

"_Are you done?"_ She asked, looking down at my prone form.

"Huh?"

"_Beh! Mortals, the more I deal with you the more soiled I feel. If this was my choice I'd eat your scrumptious little soul right here for giving me such trouble... regardless, my... owner."_ She said with a scowl_ "will want to see you."_

And with that proceeded to drag my battered and bruised body, demonic claw-hand wrapped along my leg along the ground. Bloody hurt, being dragged like a dead cat. I could feel the soot clogging up my nose as my face brushed past every sharp little stone that littered the ground.

To where was she taking me? Fuck me if I know. But I was knee deep in hell right now, and I could see no way out. Heck, with the abuse my face was going through, I doubted that I'd be able to stay conscious for much longer.

* * *

**To be a Magus is to walk with Death!**

_Hello again. _

_I'm sorry about this unexpected meeting, usually agencies such as ourselves don't bother you once you've found viable employment. Unfortunately certain pieces of vital information were found missing from your file that we hope you would be willing to remedy them._

"_Ugh, what day is it."_

_Splendid, now let's get on with it so that you can resume your._

_**-BZZT-**_

"_Mommy? Has the chicken caught the squirrels?"_

_Indeed..._

_now we have your starsign, nationality and occupation. But not your name._

"_They call me Jack"_

**If this is a dream then who is the dreamer?**

_Very good. Now your-_

"_I wanna go home."_

"_hmph, very well Mr Jack. That was the only mandatory piece of information I truly needed, the others were optional. As for home... very well._

…

_But be warned. For every action there is an echo. Such echoes usually take hold where there is but nothingness._

And then I found myself waking up in my bed.

And then I found myself waking up with the towering form of a pride demon before me. "What am I supposed to do with a spirit that is not even half there!" It boomed. "I didn't know that corpses could even exist here!."

Corpses?

I looked down at my darkened shrivelled body.

I was dead.


End file.
